Creating Boundaries With Family For The Holidays

The holidays can be challenging, whether you come from an idyllic family, a dysfunctional one, or have no family at all.

I am a very strong believer in the notion that we create our own family. When I was younger, I had to rely on friends, boyfriends, and extended family to survive a chaotic and abusive childhood that resulted from addiction and mental illness that was present in my parents’ lives. I spent Thanksgivings with friends’ parents, Christmases with my boyfriend at the time. There were many times when I attempted to spend a holiday with one of my parents, but soon had to flee the situation because of some sort of altercation. (I will spare you the gory details.)

Although things with my parents are much better now as I enter my 30s, it has been a long road to stable, calm relationships with each of them, and I would have never gotten through the hard times without the family I created.

During the holidays, for many people, there’s a sense of duty to familial obligations, even if you know that the experience of spending a lot of time with family will have a negative impact on your mental health and wellbeing. To me, this is really dangerous and unhealthy.

Many times over the years, when I was complaining or asking for help, people would say things to me like, “Well, they’re your family. You only get one.”

This sentiment — that despite abuse you have the duty to prioritize your family because they’re all you have — is truly misguided.

It fails to recognize that choosing psychological safety over familial obligation is almost always more difficult than just going along with the dysfunction. This notion takes away power from victims and exacerbates the cycle of abuse. And, it disregards the fact that you are capable of making the powerful decision of who to spend your time with.

So, if you find yourself in this place during the holidays — having to choose between your mental health and spending time with your family — I urge you to put yourself first. When delivering the message to your family that you won’t be spending the holidays at home, you can be kind, clear and respectful. This doesn’t need to be World War III. Setting a clear boundary this year is the first step in setting yourself up for success for years to come. And if your family doesn’t respond positively to your set boundary, which, let’s be honest, is likely, then you distance yourself from the situation and remind yourself that you made the right decision.

Remember, be gentle with yourself. Let go of the guilt.

And if you still have guilt, choose the guilt of leaving over the anger of staying.

Listen to what you need. Be open-minded. And remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough.